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We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
Twitter is the new flypaper.
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.