I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
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Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
Me :
All Day At Night
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
The Struggle
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
They must have gotten it to go.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?