They say women only use 10% of their anger
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Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.