Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
You Might Also Like
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
so, is there a mister shapen head
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute