I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
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Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.