swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
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I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Intelligence is the new cleavage
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
I’m confused about plants
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.