Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
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You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.