Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
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back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.