I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
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You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
everyone has that one prude friend
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.