ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
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fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
This is my cat’s medicine.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.