[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
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[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA