Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
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*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?