Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
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My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.