“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
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Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom