Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
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[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container