Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
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Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.