Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
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I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain