Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
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I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?