People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
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Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?
ME: Yep!
HIM: Get out
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
I came this close!!!!
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
(more comics:
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.