me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
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If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Me too 😆
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
My wife gives the best headache.
🙋♀️
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
There is no “ea” in Tim.
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha