If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
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Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.