my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
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Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago