ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
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I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me