Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
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My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.