me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
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I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
crochet youtube is brutal
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket