Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
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Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
I’m about to risk it all
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
Mistakes were made
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
🙅🏻
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.