What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
You Might Also Like
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
BETRAYAL
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?