My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
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My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
Bike is short for Bichael.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
Hilarious if literal: arms race
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.