being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
You Might Also Like
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.