My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
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Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
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My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs