My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
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My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
Thanks to a fan for this one.
Happy thanksgiving!
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.