[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
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fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch