First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
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got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am