Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
You Might Also Like
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
Very good! 👍😂
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer