me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
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Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs