I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
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Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no