About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
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It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.
When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
Natural selection at its finest
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you