What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
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My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*