I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
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I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?