son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
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Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
The “research” scene in every horror movie
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?