Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
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Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying