[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
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All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?