Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
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Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!