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It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
based al yankovic
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
May have had one breakfast too many
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders