ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
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“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.