My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
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adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend