The struggle is real
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Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
Tough love is true love
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.