God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
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Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Life is a suicide mission.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”