What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
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wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED