The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
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wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*